Self Pride Challenge, Let's Go!
Updated: Apr 2
July 27, 2019, that's the day I admitted I was fat, and that it was time for a change. See, up until then, I'd convinced myself that I "loved myself anyway," that I was "fine just the way I was" blah blah blah.
But the truth? I wasn't fine. I was unhappy, maybe even miserable. I hated how I looked. I dreaded doing coaching videos and the photos people would take of me on stages. And here's the thing, I'm a public persona and empowerment speaker, being in the public eye, is kinda my dream. So, why was I hiding at home in my yoga pants, forty pounds heavier than I should be?
I wasn't healthy. I didn't feel good. But it wasn't until that day, the day I got on a scale for the first time in over three years, that I realized, I had no personal self-pride. It was gone! Maybe it had vanished a while ago, but suddenly I missed it. Missed feeling good, and knowing that I look good. Missed that confidence and the way I used to walk with swag and my head held high. When was the last time I'd walked like that? I couldn't remember.
That was the moment when I realized that all the; "be ok with it" stories I'd told myself, were NOT OK. They hadn't made me feel any better, but they had kept me from doing something about it. Those stories were nothing more than an excuse, and I was sick of it!
"I want to be sexy again!" I told my reflection in the mirror that day. "I want to feel amazing in my own skin. I don't want to look and feel like this anymore." Owning those statements felt very scary, which honestly surprised me. Why was it so hard to say "I want, and deserve MORE?"
Well, the one thing I knew was that if I was really going to make the change, it must first start with changing my beliefs about losing weight.
So I started there, with mottos. Every day I told myself:
"I LOVE my life!"
"I can't believe how fast the weight came off!"
"The weight just FELL off me!"
"I can't believe it was that easy!"
"God, it feels good to have that swag back!"
Every single day, I told myself bald-faced lies. I said words that were not true. Words I did not initially believe, and words I most definitely DID NOT FEEL. But I stuck with it. And slowly it began to work. Every day I felt a little better. I began to walk for 20 minutes a day, then 30, until after 2 months I was running for 20 minutes a day. And then... finally, the weight began to slide off! After 2 months I'd lost 11 lbs, which is more than I'd lost with any diet or trainer, ever.
Those words were replacing my old negative thoughts and changing my core beliefs. I was intentionally tricking my brain to believe this was easy, and a given.
Which brings me to the launch of my 30-day #SelfPrideChallenge because this past weekend, I took the stage at large event, and had that moment. The one I'd dreamed about since I first dreamed of being a speaker. The one where you feel electric and alive on stage! Where you feel as though your whole life has lead to that moment, where joy fills every part of you. It was pure magic. I felt incredible, confident and like my old self.
Until I stepped off the stage and saw the pictures.
"What the fuck!?" I thought. How the hell had I looked one way in real life and felt AND LOOKED entirely different in my mind. That had never happened to me before! Normally I'd take a stage self-conscious, dreading the photos and be rewarded by hating the photos. But not last Sunday, I'd felt like a million bucks, and had automatically expected the photos to reflect that. When they didn't (and to my initial shock, showed the most unflattering pictures of me, EVER), I was stunned and horrified.
*Photo on the left was how I looked in my mind and in my hotel room right before I spoke, no filter other than a color preset. The photo on the left was how I looked in real life.
For a moment I wanted to run and hide. To not post any photos and allow the old voices in my head to steal my joy. But just as quickly my new #selfpride voice kicked in and reminded me that I had made progress damit! And I did look better in places, and these would make great "before" pictures because now I FULLY BELIEVE the "after" photos are coming soon.